Sempre Mae

Un relat de: Lluís Pagès
La Xisca és una noia rossa com un fil d’or que avui s’ha llevat aviat per sortir ben d’hora de casa. S’ha proposat un repte inèdit. Aconseguirà el que s’ha empescat?
El quiosquer on compra el diari la saluda i, avorrit com està a aquella hora del matí, que la parròquia encara dorm, vol fer-la petar una estona:
- Així, què tens entre mans ara, una lletraferida com tu? Algun reportatge? – enceta amb ganes.
- Escric la meva història. Va d’una noia que perd la seva reputació i mai la troba a faltar.
Ell es posa a riure, vinclant-se cap al cel, amb els ulls clucs i agafant-se la panxa per la sortida de paraigües. Quan els obra, s’adona que ella ja ha arribat a la cantonada, fent-se fonedissa xamfrà enllà.
La calor, malgrat la matinada, castiga de valent els vianants, i es decideix de prendre quelcom que la refresqui. La gelateria italiana del barri és una excel•lent opció. Però els fan tots tan bons que no sap quin triar.
- Has tastat el de mango amb nabius? I el de xufla amb engrunes de coco? – l’aconsella el dependent, amb ganes de sorprendre-la.
- Entre dos dimonis, trio sempre el que no he tastat encara – i entoma la primera opció, un bola sobredimensionada pel cucurutxo de galeta amb bany de xocolata que l’acull.
- Ei, vés amb molt de compte, noieta, que aquest gelat desperta tots els sentits! A veure si no tan sols t’acabaràs llepant els dits! - i li pica l’ullet, trapella. Però ella no s’espanta, i el que li diu, de què que no fon tot el gènere de l’aparador.
- El bon sexe és com el bridge: si no tens un bon company de joc, millor que tinguis una bona mà – i li gira l’esquena amb un somriure entremaliat tot sostenint el dolç com l’estàtua de la llibertat.
Encara no ha acabat d’endrapar el darrer bocí que es troba amb un pot amb nansa prement-li la panxa. Fa un bot de l’ensurt, però no té temps de dir res.
- Bon dia! Una almoina per als qui pateixen malalties rares, si us plau – li etziba un vailet eixerit que transmet una ganes de viure encomanadisses.
La Xisca es treu la xavalla que li balla per la butxaca i l’introdueix per la ranura del pot.
. Moltes gràcies! Ets una bona persona – s’acomiada mentre fa sonar el contingut sacsejant la llauna. Sobtadament, es veu tibat cap a la noia, que l’ha engrapat pel coll de la samarreta.
- Quan sóc bona, sóc molt bona, però quan sóc dolenta, sóc millor – li xiuxiueja a cau d’orella, deixant-lo palplantat i pensarós mentre ella marxa amb pas decidit.
De lluny, entrelluca algú que se li apropa. Ja veu que no podrà disposar d’una estona de pau en tota la passejada; com ha de ser, si vol guanyar el desafiament.
- Hola, què hi fas tan aviat avui? Que potser t’has perdut? – És l’urbà de torn, un home madur i ben plantat que arrenca algun que altre sospir entre les padrines del barri – Ep, a veure si n’hauràs feta alguna de grossa, una noia tan bona com tu, hahaha!
- Caporal, li recordo que les bones noies van al Cel, però les dolentes van a tot arreu – i se li acosta a la galta i li planta un petó mentre l’abraça amb una efusió inesperada.
- Nena, no t’equivoquis! Que estic de servei! Si t’enxampo amb alguna falta, et caurà un ruixat, per més moixaines que em facis! – i el to amenaçador té la mateixa força persuasiva que si l’apuntés amb una pistola d’aigua.
- Equivocar-se és humà, però prova divinament, no troba? – i s’allunya saltironejant amb una alegria interna en veure que està ben a la vora d’assolir el seu objectiu.
Quan arriba a l’immoble de casa, la portera aixeca el cap del terra que escombra i se li dirigeix sense embuts:
- Xisca, si que vas de d’hora avui, que tornes de fer xerinola? Nena, jo, a la teva edat, estava casada i ja pujava un parell de criatures... Que potser no t’agraden, els homes? – si no fa la pregunta impertinent del dia, rebenta, la mala bruixa. Però li ha posat la resposta en safata:
- Els homes són el meu hobby, però si mai em caso l’hauré de deixar – i li tanca la porta de l’ascensor als nassos, que ja en té la pipa plena de tanta xafarderia.
Així que creua el llindar del seu pis, exclama un “Ho he aconseguit!” acompanyat d’un salt amb els braços enlaire. Ha passat la jornada defensant-se amb frases que formen part de les cèlebres que pronuncià Mae West ja fa més de vuitanta anys. I estan més fresques que mai! Mae West, quin tros de dona! Tot un símbol sexual dels anys trenta, vertadera devoradora d’homes. Actriu, cantant, guionista... i rossa! Quin poca-solta va dir allò que les rosses eren unes dèbils mentals? Nàstic de plàstic! La Xisca ha demostrat que les rosses, com ella, no només no són curtes de gambals, sinó que són ben capaces de valdre’s per elles mateixes. La Xisca n’està farta dels mascles que volen protegir-la sense entendre ben bé de què. Així que acaba de tenir aquest pensament, una suor freda li llisca per la espinada: aquesta no era també una frase de la Mae? No hauria d’evitar la temptació de parlar per boca de la Mae... a no ser que no s’hi pogués resistir? No pot ser, es repeteix blanca com la cera, una altra frase de la West! Només s’havia proposat de fer l’experiment una vegada, però si ho ha fet bé, amb una vegada n’hi ha prou... oh, déu meu, això també ho va dir ella! No serà víctima de la maledicció de les rosses espavilades les quals, en lloc de dir foteses, expressen veritats com una casa? Maledicció, sí, perquè és conegut que qui diu les veritats, perd les amistats...



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    PERLA DE VELLUT | 13-08-2019

    Gràcies pel teu amable comentari, que m'ha fet somriure un poquet. Com dius que has analitzat un tant massa el meu poema de Alada obscuritat... no passe res; peró alhora de dir-me que és "gratificant, plaent i ben engrescador", m'ha alegrat molt.
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  • Símbol sexual.[Ofensiu]
    PERLA DE VELLUT | 05-08-2019 | Valoració: 10

    Quin relat més entretingut, has compost. La Xisca també és símbol sexual en el temps, sobre La Mae, antiquíssima. Molt bé.... i una entretinguda història, que m'ha fet somriure amb tots el detalls que descrius. Un plaer de lectura, Lluís.
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    Sort que a R.C la poesia no l'ha toques mai, llevat de comptades excepcions en que si ho has fet... Perquè sinó tindria enveja sana de com escrius i del que escrius... Els teus relats, a banda d'emprar un català ben nostrat, atrapen a la primera! Tots ells, sempre transmeten històries no repetitives, inquietants i sobretot duen totes elles un rerefons que il·lustren. Amb aquest que ens has brindat, quan el llegia, he estat capaç de desconnectar de tot... I això ja diu molt de tu, i del que escrius ...

  • Les roses rosses[Ofensiu]
    Aleix de Ferrater | 30-07-2019 | Valoració: 10

    Un relat deliciós, Lluís, on la quotidianitat ens acompanya pel passeig de la Xisca. Tan propera ella i tan propers, també, els altres homes que van apareixent i dibuixant l'argument del relat. Un gran regal estival! Una abraçada.

    Aleix

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    Montseblanc | 29-07-2019

    Trobo el teu relat molt ben elaborat. La manera en com vas fent que apareguin els diferents secundaris a la trama, necessaris per anar escampant les frases de la Mae/Xisca. I tot de forma natural, planera, sense artificialitat, converses que podríem escoltar qualsevol matí al carrer...
    I un petit homenatge molt merescut a la gran Mae West.

    M’ha fet gràcia perquè jo també he fet servir l’expressió “rossa com un fil d’or” al meu relat “Obsessió”.

Valoració mitja: 9.25

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Lluís Pagès

173 Relats

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201920 Lectures

Valoració de l'autor: 9.76

Biografia:
Vaig néixer a Barcelona l'any 1964. Sóc químic i treballo a la indústria farmacèutica catalana. A banda d'escriure, sóc un gran aficionat als escacs, la música clàssica, el jazz i el col·leccionisme de llibres antics de química. Els relats humorístics són els meus preferits, potser perquè són els més difícils d'escriure.